Jobs Available on Planet Gheekon

The other day when I was trying to resurrect my terminally-ill computer, I noted a number of — what? functions, systems — that the diagnostics were checking out.

First came a series of tests. I jotted down the test names, thinking these would make good general candidate exams for any Human Resources department.

Later on, I copied out some other mysterious entities that were being tested. These items, to me, sounded like interesting occupations. One of them is already a bona fide vocation here on Earth; the others I’m not so sure about. I hope at least one of them gives you a smile, as you imagine what the job descriptions would look like.

The HR tests:

• Confidence
• Device Self-test
• Read
• Seek
• SMART
• Start/idle
• Stop/stand by
• Verify.

The jobs availabe on Planet Gheekon:

• Human Interface Parser
• Volume Manager
• Enhanced Host Controller
• Host Adapter
• RAID Controller
• Kernel Security Driver
• Kernel Debugger
• Bus Driver.

Ace the HR tests, and you, too, will be on your way to a new career!

A Valentine’s Day Heart

E.g. and I were out around Ossington and Bloor Streets today, and saw this in a shop window. Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody!

Kiwanis and Other Natural Disasters

This little weekend post is meant to be tongue-in-cheek. The Kiwanis are an excellent service club that have contributed to the betterment of communities, focussing especially on children, since 1915. On that September afternoon when E.g. and I walked through Saint John’s Rockwood Park with her parents, they led us through a children’s playground which owed its existence to the local Kiwanis club. The playground is only one example of the fine work this organization has accomplished.

I will also admit that there were three other entries on the following list which would mitigate the impact of what made me giggle. I just enjoy deliberately misinterpreting things.

That said, I now present only part of an impressive list of ways in which a certain Ontario moving company has involved itself in community projects and worldwide disaster relief. I think you’ll see why I smiled:

Florida relief (Hurricane Andrew)

Saguenay relief (flood)

Honduras relief (Hurricane Mitch)

Tents for Turkey (Turkey earthquake)

Provincial music festival (Kiwanis)

Auguries of Innocence, Revisited

• To see a world in a blurp of sand,
• And a heaven in whole-wheat flour,
• Hold my life in a paper towel in my hand — ?
• I need to get out for an hour.

Many thanks to William Blake and his poem, “Auguries of Innocence”.

Composition: Theme and Variations

1. Original photo.

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2. After playing with Colour Adjustment — RGB and Brightness/Saturation/Contrast.

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3. After swinging like a three-legged squirrel from the Tone Curve Adjustment line.

It Was a Dark and Stormy Connecticut Farmhouse

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Hi, and welcome to the Saturday Funnies!

And also, welcome to Elizabeth, Wearing Stilettos & Living on a Farm!

Elizabeth, the latest addition to my blogroll, recently asked me whether I could form a limerick from any of her pets’ names. There’s the two dogs, Alexandria and Mabel, and the two cats, Franklin and Chloe. I told her I really like the names and that after researching her blog, I would see what I could do.

This morning, it struck me that instead of a bunch of limericks, I’d like to write one piece of narrative doggerel that incorporated all of Elizabeth’s pets. After reading her latest entry about a  thunderstorm and power outage at her farmhouse, I even knew that I wanted to set it to a tune I’ve been hearing at work on the satellite radio. The only trouble with that idea is that I knew neither the title of the piece, nor who sang it, nor any of the lyrics other than “Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!”

My intrepid partner E.g. listened to my humming a few times, and investigated the Internet offerings. She started with a Pointer Sisters number called “The Neutron Dance” — woo-hoos and the right rhythm, but the wrong tune and scanning. She continued on the woo-hoo quest. We were laughing pretty hard after a while, listening to all the woo-hoo songs out there, but on the eighth try, E.g. found it! Woo-hoo!!!

The tune, then, is “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree” by KT Tunstall. You can Youtube it here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fykZ3PymMo

Now for the new lyrics. The bolded syllables are the four beats to each bar, to keep us on track in scanning it properly. I hope you like it!

Blackout and the Stormy Night

It was out on the farm on a stormy dark night

When Mama come home she couldn’t get no light.

Woo-hoo! Mmm-hmm!

The supper stayed cold ’cause there wasn’t no heat

The TV stayed cold like a block of concrete.

Oh, yeah! Uh-huh!

Ol’ Franklin the kitty ain’t afraid of the gloom,

He ate his kibble hoard in the exercise room.

Woo-hoo! Dee-lish!

The grey kitty Chloe never pulls no stunts,

Just climbs on the roof and goes for ladybug hunts.

Oh, yeah! So fine!

But little Ma-bel

The little Bea-gle puppy,

She said, “No, no,

I hate the thunderin’ skies!”

‘Cause  Mabel has a cast on account of a truck;

Her daddy saved her life when he saw her get struck.

Woo-hoo! Go, Dad!

And thunder sounds a lot like an engine’s great roar,

So Mabel gets as frightened as she was before.

Mmm-hmm! So sad!

Then Alex speaks up from the midst of the gloom,

Where she’s lyin’, takin’ up half the living room.

Woo-hoo! Big dog!

She says, “Mabel, won’t you cuddle up close to my side,

We’ll lie here peaceful till the storm has died.

Woo-hoo! Stay warm!

And little Ma-bel

The little bea-gle puppy,

She said, “Thank-you!

‘Cause I hate the thunderin’ skies!”

Barks, Birds, and Bears: the Prize Limericks

“No fair! How come he gets to go potty without me?”  — Home Alone XII, The Cardigan Capers.

Hi everyone, and welcome back to the Saturday Funnies!

As many of you know, Turtle recently held a caption contest. First prize was 500 words on the topic of one’s choice, while anyone who supplied a word for a limerick was promised one of those five-line rhymes containing their word. There were two first prizes this time ’round; one story has been posted, while the other is still brewing, and is aiming for Monday.

I nearly entitled today’s post “Absinthe-Minded”, but I’m a very cheap drunk and don’t need the green poison. One beer and an hour to relax yesterday gave me all the inspiration I needed to finish composing your limericks. Here, then, are all four nonsense rhymes, delivered as promised, with the date (always a multiple of seven) on which each one will appear in my sidebar (and be posted permanently in the “Limericks of the Turtle” page). I hope you enjoy them. Thank you so much for participating in the contest!

 

The first limerick is going out to Mutual Friend Jane, who suggested the word “radar”. Your rhyme will be posted in the sidebar for the week of July 21st.

• I swear I did not see the sign
• (The one that the cops hide behin’).
• But the beer in the trunk
• Means the radar trap funk
• Stayed a minor, if sobering, fine.

 

Themarvelousinnature suggested the word “goldfinch”. It’ll see the sidebar on August 7th.

• A goldfinch alit on a thistle.
• He smiled beakily and said, “This’ll
• Fill the bill, yessirree!
• My tummy’s happy!”
• And thence he commenced for to whistle.

 

Here’s the limerick for Livingisdetail, who suggested the word “gloss”. It’ll be sidebarred on August 14th.

• A great glopping gallon of gloss
• Beats a barking, belligerent boss.
• Shine his saddle and bridle,
• Dust his arches apsidal,
• Andja won’t hasta kiss his high hoss.

 

Finally, here’s an eco-education statement that Goodbear can use in her wildlife rehab work. She  suggested the word “barn owl”. It’s going on the side on August 21st.

• The barn owl has been misaligned.
• It’s mousies — not chickies — he’ll find,
• To rid farmers of.
• His face you’ll just love:
• It’s heart-shaped. Remember, be kind!

 

I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s offering for the Saturday Funnies. Have a great weekend!

(Saturday Funnies) Housework: Variations on a Theme

By the time I finished cleaning everything, it was out of date.

As I’ve mentioned here and there in Blogland, my partner E.g. is out of town for the weekend. Although June is going to be a busy month for me store-schedule-wise, including a shift tomorrow, today is mine. I’ve decided to spend it in a virtuous burst of housekeeping. Here are my plans:

1. Take the dogs out for a pottie around 06 00.
2. Have a quick peek at my blogfriends over coffee until 07 00.
3. Sweep the house 07 15.
4. Wash the dishes 07 30.
5. Feed the dogs 08 00.
6. Re-arrange the storage closet 08 10 – 14 00, with breaks for potties, lunch, and a second cuppa.
7. Get some groceries 14 10.
8. Make a nutritious supper, with leftovers for tomorrow 15 00.
9. While supper is simmering, write today’s blog entry until 16 30.
10. Take the dogs out 16 30.
11. Celebrate life with dinner and a beer 17 00.
12. Finish reading Chooks in the City, play on the ‘Net, take the dogs out, and head to bed 21 00.

Here’s the reality:

1. Take the dogs out for a pottie break 05 45.
2. Have a quick peek at my blogfriends until 11 45. Consume two cups of coffee, the last scrapings of peanut butter mixed with some honey on a stale hamburger bun 08 30, and two nuked-from-frozen veggieburgers 11 15. Take Cai out to play 10 00 – 10 40, and Fergus for a pottie 10 45 – 10 50.
3. Answer the door 11 45. Agree to watch the neighbouring foxhound, 12 30 – 15 30.
4. Write today’s blog entry 12 00 – 12 30.
5. Have a beer 12 35.
6. Start tackling the slorage costet 12 45.
7. Laugh at the sheer hopelessness of cleaning the closet with three dogs underfoot 12 55.
8. Have another beer. Giggle at the dirshty distas 14 00.
9. Take the dogs out. Very. Carefully. Use elevator 15 30.
10. See if there are any grocery stores still open 17 00.
11. Drink two quarts of water 18 00. Play on ‘Net and occasionally take dogs out until 23 00.
12. Remember to brush my teeth 23 02.

So, how did we do, almost the same? Hmm…

If only I could organize my daily life as well as I organize my vacations.

Iron and Steel (Saturday Funnies)

Old photo, but current state of affairs

 

A joke that was old when I saw it on I Love Lucy:

“That couple is in the iron and steel business.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah. She irons and he steals.”

Welcome to this week’s Saturday Funnies! It’s just past 7, I need to leave in an hour, and I have nothing brilliant to say. So I thought this week I would feature funny things that other bloggers have said! That’s the stealing part. We’re not ironing, but E.g. has hand-washed Fergus’s horsie and it’s spinning in the dryer before we take it and Fergus and Fergus’s blankie up to Shelley, where he’ll be boarded for two weeks while we’re preparing for, being in, and recovering from, our trip to Paris.

Anyway, here are my Top Seven Selections of writing from my blogfriends’ recent (either their latest or second-latest) entries.

from Checkers’ World: “How many Cardigan Welsh Corgis does it take to keep the sun lit?”

from Cody Bear’s Friends: “Barking in the Face of Chicken Jerkey!”

from Dennis’s Diary of Destruction: “…obviusly the skwirrels and the gofers and there allies the ninja hedjhogs hav sent this suppozedly kyoot and harmless littel bunny rabbit to find owt all about my new caveear bizness…”

from Laugh in the Sun (describing her young daughter): “Thankfully she stopped looking like the Michelin Man once she got her legs working to keep her tubby body mobile…”

from The Aged Cat: “If you search the faqs and the forum, you will find the issue of advertising hashed, rehashed, minced, pureed…” [elipsis hers]

from The Right Blue : their latest Wordless Wednesday, entitled “There’s one in every crowd”

And finally, albeit unintentionally, the funniest line of all…

from One Little Detail: “I look around the blog world and I just know everyone else is busy too but so organised that they can still keep blogging with dexterity between working, socialising and living their lives.”

Please, if you have a moment and haven’t already done so, drop in and let Livingisdetail know how hard you laughed. I did.

Hermeneutically Sealed (Saturday Funnies)

Foulksrath Castle Hostel, Ireland. The one place where the Tilley quick-dry guarantee fails.

…
I got some pretty strange looks from customers at the pet store this week. I like to think of myself as occasionally witty, but with this week’s lack of sleep, I more closely resembled a half-wit. I briefly wondered how close to the cash register I could hang my two bachelor’s degrees, the graduate diploma, the PSW certificate, my ORCA basic Flatwater badge, and the happy grades for courses ranging from First Aid to Watercolour Painting to Editing, but I was too tired to stay miffed for more than a sentence at a time. I floated through the two days, a vacant smile on my face, keeping the counter firmly in place with my elbows. I didn’t even attempt to spin the can labels.

So this morning, before running off to feed Robert and Jane’s cats, I thought I would put some half-assessed effort into compiling a lexicon of completely unrelated terms. Some of these come from recent exchanges with other bloggers, some have been part of my cranial spaghetti for a long time, and one or more of them, if we’re both lucky, might make you smile. Happy weekend!

 

aplomb: [← Fr panache, ← white I rock, ← masc You the man, ← Helen Reddy I am strong! I am invincible! , ← Gk aplomb.]

breathe: Thoft, thoothing wind.

elytra (sing. elytron) :  Hard, shiny wing casing on beetles. Usage: Comm, deterrent to lingering customers: “Say, did you know you have spots on your inner elytra?”

few roos loose in the top paddock, a: Kangaroos culpable of stealing sandwiches from picnic baskets.

hermeneutically sealed: Hunting in this area restricted to theologians.

Invention is the necessity of motherhood: ≈ Hard times call for desperate measures; usu re int furnishgs or dom cuisine. [Attr. Lavender Bay, 1980s.]

latté: Breakfast drink discouraging workplace punctuality.

pictureskew: Panoramic, scenic. [*Br sp picturesque.]

tooth hockey: [regionalism] Stick-handling motions, during fake fights, of open jaws of two dogs. = jawing.

unawares: Garments laundered in hostel sinks and hung on bunk bed rails to dry overnight.