What a Sasquatch Eatsch for Breakfascht (Final contest limericks)

How Others Perceive Your Pet.

Well (puff, puff, pant) hi, every-(wheeze)-body… I think I’m home for a moment. What with feeding horses and visiting other provinces, I realize I’ve been absent fifteen days this month! I’m hoping to have two synapses to rub together soon. But meanwhile…

Goodbear has not received her limerick yet. Today is the day!

I wrote Goodbear’s limerick while on the plane headed for Saint John. You can see the original manuscript in the photo above. Then today, I pulled off another neat trick, that of incorporating all five of your limerick words into one pithy, narrative gem. (Okay, I’m not usually so self-congratulatory, but I’ve been wiping up puppy spluts every ten minutes since yesterday afternoon, so please go easy on me. )

Goodbear wanted a limerick on “pickles”, which I took to mean her Border Collie cross puppy, Pickles. One thing that stands out for me is how Pickles loves the “relaxed look”; quite a few of Goodbear’s photos have shown Pickles with muddy feet or bits of grass sticking in her fur, and her coat all unkempt — reminds me of my preschool years.

The second limerick uses “pickles” (transitive verb, 3d person singular, “he/she/it pickles”) in its past participle form. Groovy? Let’s go!

I. The Pickles limerick, for Goodbear.

• That field-romping collie pup, Pickles,
• Has one task against which she stickles.
• When the bath water flows,
• Then away she tiptoes.
• She prefers wearing products of sickles.

 

II. The cumquat/jumble/leprechaun/pickles/Sasquatch limerick, for Alyson, Jack’s Mom, Jack, Goodbear, and Livingisdetail.

• With a leprechaun’s silence on last watch,
• Herbert waited for signs of the Sasquatch.
• It at last, through a jumble
• Of ferns, with a rumble,
• Approached — on its toascht, pickled cumquatsch!

 

That was fun. Now I’ll have to start thinking about those several-hundred-word-topic prizes, but not until after I’ve taken Fergus to the vet. See you later!

Jumbled Up (Another Limerick or Two)

 
“There he was, pasted against the wall, a shell of his former self…”

Gather ye rhyme words while ye may, et cet-eret-eretera…

So, Turtle’s off and running again. Really, had I realized what kinds of fits and starts my life goes through, I might have been better to choose Hare as an alter-ego. But no matter.

E.g. and I are heading out with the doggums to visit my mum today. Mum doesn’t have any internet access, so you’ll have to wait till at least tomorrow night before Turtle can respond to your comments. However, she won’t be responding from the comfort of her paper-strewn kitchen table, but from the central Ontario dog-and-pony show, aka Shelley’s home.

Shelley had hoped that another friend would be helping her this week, but it hasn’t worked out. So tomorrow afternoon I’m to be handed over from E.g.’s car to Shelley’s, at a thirdway point between her house, a dog show, and our house. More country air, here I come!

Meanwhile, as the final load of laundry tumbles merrily in the dryer, I have one and-two-thirds limericks for you.

The first one might be completely faulty, I’m not sure. I don’t know if the term “jumble sale” may be applied to items expressly made for it, or whether it’s only for secondhand stuff. I — well, you’ll see.

The second limerick is UNDER CONSTRUCTION, or perhaps more aptly, ONLY PARTIALLY COOKED UP. Alyson and I began a bit of nonsense in Thursday’s comments section, and in my humble opinion, it’s just too brilliant not to finish. But I have no time. So I’m asking you, gentle readers, to supply subsequent lines until it’s completely fabricated (as it were) .

 

I. The “jumble” limerick, for Jack’s Mom.

• Much weirder than phantom with sabre
• Is the church jumble sale’s frantic labour.
• We cook, sew, and knit,
• And retain not a bit,
• But buy the same thing from our neighbour.

 

II. The Magnificent Flying Free-For-All Limerick, for everyone.

• There once was an oyster from Ghent,
• Who created a pearl he called Trent.
• da duttledy da,
• da duttledy dum,
• da dittledy-duttledy dent.

Have fun with this one! And go right ahead with an alternative ending, if there’s already one ending before you get here. I promise to tie up any loose ends.

Have a good weekend!

Lime-rickey? (A Small Prize or Two)

Uh-oh, I hope you haven’t been surprisled, disguisled, or misled by today’s title. I’m hoping for a little sudden brilliance here, in order for a limerick or two to sprout from my sinuous synapses and fevered fingers. Here goes.

I. The cumquat limerick, for Alyson.

Culinary research courtesy of Wikipedia and Razzle Dazzle Recipes.

• “The small Asian citrus, the cumquat,”
• Anne read, “should not go in a rumpot.
• It works much more swelly
• In a marm’lade or jelly.”
• Was Anne disappointed? Well, somewhat.

 

II. The leprechaun limerick, for Jack.

Jack had accidentally spelled “leprosy” when he meant to ask for a limerick on “leprechauns”, so I managed to work both words into the following. Jack, when you get a little older, you’ll probably read some fiction by a guy named James Joyce. This limerick is a tribute to him.

• I once met an elderly leprechaun
• Who appeared too ferocious to look upon.
• In his youth, friends mistook him
• As ill, and forsook him,
• So he’d exiled himself as a leper gone.

 

III. The Sasquatch limerick, for Livingisdetail.

This one’s kinda scraping the bottom of the barrel, or keg… Researched on the Ontario Sasquatch Research website — all but the final line, which can be demystified here.

• A Sasquatch was sighted in Acton!
• And Georgian Bay, Dundalk, and Dryden,
• Kapuskasing and Grimsby,
• Belleville, Brockville, and Lindsay.
• Ontarians sure like their Molson.

 

Tune in tomorrow for more Loony Limericks! Unless, of course, I go off on some other tangent. Ta-ta!

Everyone Has a Story (Contest Winners)

Does this shirt make my shoes look fat?

Hello, blogfriends! This has been one crazy-busy week, and I’m sorry I’m late. I had promised to announce winnings of Turtle’s latest contest on September 4, but it turned out I was two hours’ drive from the yard sale items on that day, and couldn’t remember what we had collected. So let’s all pretend that today is September 4 and take it from there, shall we?

Following is each entrant’s list, with a corresponding item from our sale, followed by the length of the piece I am to write on their chosen topic. Here we go.

I. Goodbear’s list

1. one English-Spanish, Spanish-English dictionary — I gave the English dictionary to my francophone, English- and Spanish-speaking son.
2. DVD collection of Brother Cadfael mysteries — CD of someone singing Hildegard of Bingen.
3. pair of gently worn size 8 suede loafers — pair of gently worn size teeny leather gloves.
4. “Birds of North America” jigsaw puzzle — hmmm…
5. “hogs and kisses from Iowa” shot glass — shot glass with Quebec flag.
6. plush toy: 8″ beaver in a Royal Canadian Mounted Police coat and hat — plush toy: 6″ beaver-coloured Wild Hairy Haggis from Scotland.

Total good guesses: 5.
Main prize: 500 words on “technology” .
Limerick word: “Pickles” .

II. Alyson’s list

1. red colander — green bundt pan.
2. empty photo album — empty camera bag.
3. unused stationery set with flowers of some sort on the paper — unused suitable-for-framing set of prints on canvas with flowers in most of the paintings.
4. biography of a man whose photo adorns the cover; he wears a black hat — autobiography of Bishop John Spong, whose photo adorns the cover; he wears a black shirt.
5. blue long-sleeve shirt — black and electric green short-sleeve (T) shirt.
6. serving spoons still in a box — serving utensils displayed in a shoe box.

Total good guesses: 6.
Main prize: 500 words on “food bravery” .
Limerick word: “cumquat” .

III. Livingisdetail’s list

1. an old blue Nokia with the battery charger intact — an old black CD player with the remote intact.
2. a green 1970s fondue set with one slightly damaged fork thingie — hmmm…
3. a recipe book: one-minute masterpieces — a recipe book: one-dish meals.
4. a kiwi keyring — a pair of maple-leaf luggage locks
5. two Jersey cow novelty soap dishes — two fish-shaped novelty soap dishes.
6. a Rolf Harris compilation CD featuring his wobble-board rendition of “Stairway to Heaven” — a Burton Cummings live concert CD featuring his imitation of Gordon Lightfoot singing Rod Stewart’s “Maggie May”.

Total good guesses: 5.
Main prize: 500 words on “raincoats and umbrellas”.
Limerick word: sasquatch.

IV. Jack’s list

1. leprechaun — troll
2. broken toaster oven — unbroken ice cream maker
3. unicorn horn sharpener — hmmm…
4. collection of toenail clippings — eeeew…
5. a penny — hmmm…
6. an old boot found while fishing — an old book found while fishing out the mail.

Total good guesses: 3.
Main prize: 300 words on “unicorns”.
Limerick word: “leprechaun“.

I don’t have any publication dates yet. I have a feeling that the prizes will be awarded sporadically. The topics are all fun, as are the limerick words.

Thanks, all of you, for participating. (And if anybody wants to know, we made $156.75 at the yard sale! )

Barks, Birds, and Bears: the Prize Limericks

“No fair! How come he gets to go potty without me?”  — Home Alone XII, The Cardigan Capers.

Hi everyone, and welcome back to the Saturday Funnies!

As many of you know, Turtle recently held a caption contest. First prize was 500 words on the topic of one’s choice, while anyone who supplied a word for a limerick was promised one of those five-line rhymes containing their word. There were two first prizes this time ’round; one story has been posted, while the other is still brewing, and is aiming for Monday.

I nearly entitled today’s post “Absinthe-Minded”, but I’m a very cheap drunk and don’t need the green poison. One beer and an hour to relax yesterday gave me all the inspiration I needed to finish composing your limericks. Here, then, are all four nonsense rhymes, delivered as promised, with the date (always a multiple of seven) on which each one will appear in my sidebar (and be posted permanently in the “Limericks of the Turtle” page). I hope you enjoy them. Thank you so much for participating in the contest!

 

The first limerick is going out to Mutual Friend Jane, who suggested the word “radar”. Your rhyme will be posted in the sidebar for the week of July 21st.

• I swear I did not see the sign
• (The one that the cops hide behin’).
• But the beer in the trunk
• Means the radar trap funk
• Stayed a minor, if sobering, fine.

 

Themarvelousinnature suggested the word “goldfinch”. It’ll see the sidebar on August 7th.

• A goldfinch alit on a thistle.
• He smiled beakily and said, “This’ll
• Fill the bill, yessirree!
• My tummy’s happy!”
• And thence he commenced for to whistle.

 

Here’s the limerick for Livingisdetail, who suggested the word “gloss”. It’ll be sidebarred on August 14th.

• A great glopping gallon of gloss
• Beats a barking, belligerent boss.
• Shine his saddle and bridle,
• Dust his arches apsidal,
• Andja won’t hasta kiss his high hoss.

 

Finally, here’s an eco-education statement that Goodbear can use in her wildlife rehab work. She  suggested the word “barn owl”. It’s going on the side on August 21st.

• The barn owl has been misaligned.
• It’s mousies — not chickies — he’ll find,
• To rid farmers of.
• His face you’ll just love:
• It’s heart-shaped. Remember, be kind!

 

I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s offering for the Saturday Funnies. Have a great weekend!

Poesie and Pot Luck (a limerick and a game)

I. A Limerick

While we were in Paris, The Aged Cat suggested I write a limerick about the Pont Neuf. As I was preparing the book review for Alyson’s Chooks in the City, I composed the limerick. Yesterday I got everyone longing for halvah when I mentioned it in my meme. Today our home is crashing down around our heads. It’s time to think nice thoughts, despite my headache, for the sake of three little animals gathered at my feet.

Top to bottom: new, new, in transition, old. Paper Birch, evergreen, and Newfoundland-Labrador flag infuse a Canadian atmosphere.

Oh, yeah, the crashing-down-home part: it’s literal. Our building is made up of three short towers (one four-storey, two six-storey) set in a U-shape. The lobby and elevator are in one corner of the bottom of the U. When you exit the elevator on an upper floor, it leads onto outside “hallways” — kinda like a motel, I guess. Anyway, all the railing facing the central courtyard has had to be replaced. The workers are good, and they’re at it from 7 am to 6 pm, so it will be done in a few days’ time, but the hammering and the sawing and the drilling are pretty loud and scary for the four-footeds. Today, the workers are right in front of our door. I’ve turned on some Medieval music and started some laundry in order to help drown them out. Just hope they’re not too ticked off at the dryer exhaust venting on their toils.

So anyway, here’s the limerick, dedicated to The Aged Cat:

• On June 1st, we crossed the Pont Neuf.
• Mid-month, it’s “La poule et son oeuf”.
• Pets, legends, pi-pi,
• Hikes, rhymes, symphony –
• Are my interests varied enough?

It’s scheduled for a week’s sidebar posting beginning July 14th, AC; I hope you like it.

 

II. Turtle’s First-Ever Online Pot Luck Party!

You’re all invited to a pot luck! Some delicious olives will be among the appetizers, and included in the desserts will be fresh sesame-based halvah.

I went to Wikipedia for its take on where halvah comes from, and it gives a list of places. I invite you — regulars and non, bloggers and general readers — to leave a recipe in the comments section, as long as the recipe is said to originate from one of these countries:

• Albania
• Bulgaria
• the Caucasus region
• Central Asia
• Cyprus
• Greece
• Iraq
• Israel
• Lebanon
• Macedonia
• Palestine
• Romania
• Serbia
• Syria
• Turkey
• Ukraine

We’ll see what we’ve gathered by next Friday. There are no prizes for this game, but hopefully we’ll have assembled a terrific menu. And hey, if anyone wants to start a World Peace movement based on love for halvah, send me your membership application!

My recipe, adapted from A Book of Middle Eastern Food by Claudia Roden (Penguin, 1970) :

Rice with Pine Nuts, Almonds, and Raisins

*1 lb (2 cups) rice, cooked

*1 Tbsp butter or oil

*1/4 cup pine nuts

*1/2 cup almonds, peeled & chopped

*1/4 cup raisins

*1/2 tsp cinnamon

*1/4 tsp allspice

*salt and pepper to taste

Fry up the nuts about 2 minutes, until lightly browned. Mix with the spices and raisins. Put the cooked rice in a see-through dish, and cover with the nut mixture.

The Rest of the Prizes

Hi everybody, and welcome to the Saturday funnies (I hope).

Way back when, we had a Famous-Dead-Person Blog contest, with all participants invited to offer a word for a limerick if they provided a username for the famous dead person. Well, everybody did! Goodbear’s limerick was posted on my “Turtle’s Latest Limerick” sidebar on April 28th for a week, and may now be seen on my “Limericks of the Turtle” page. Last Saturday, I posted three limericks; there are four more to go, including one for Chris.

Here then, are the remaining four limericks, with the dates on which they’ll be posted on my sidebar and added to the “Limericks of the Turtle” page. Enjoy! (And if you didn’t read the grand prize, 499 words on the topic of Jack’s mom’s choice, you can catch it here.)

Okay, this first one is for Shelley, who asked for a limerick with the word “travel” in it. It’ll be sidebarred on May 28th.

• I’m travelin’ on down the line
• With sev’ral great Cardis of mine.
• We’ll see friends of yore,
• And might get a good score.
• Either way it’s okay — I feel fine!

 

Next is the limerick for Livingisdetail, who offered the word “procession”. This one will be sidebarred on June 7th.

• The Lady Godiva’s procession
• Has made quite a lasting impression.
• Her shiftless noblesse
• Is still seen as a test
• Of good stewardship during recession.

 

Third, and second-last, is another one for Jack’s mum, who offered the word “flash”. June 14 will herald its week of front-page fame.

• I now see my purchase was rash.
• Though this white bathing suit is quite flash,
• If I don’t lose (I fear)
• Twenty pound and ten year,
• It will raise not a single eyelash.

 

And finally, here is one for Chris, who didn’t specify a word, so I chose one for him: “president”. I’m not convinced of its suitability as family material, so if you’re reading these aloud to the kiddies you may want to tell them that this one isn’t funny, which it probably isn’t anyway. (There was enough scandal over Gerald the other day.) It will be featured for the week of June 21st.

• A president’s job is a tough one,
• And a journalist’s tongue is a rough one.
• After one photo-op
• At Ye Olde Sausage Shoppe,
• Headlines read, “Leader told where to stuff one.”

 

And today is Puppy Pickup Day, which means I have to run away now and won’t be able to visit your blogs till tomorrow. I wish you all a luscious weekend. A la prochaine!

In Principio Erat Blogos (a contest)

“Hello-o-o-o, evry-bud-deeeee! This is your old pal Grover, with aynother contest, that’s right, ay nice contest, mm-hmm!”

If Sesame Street’s cute-and-loveable, fuzzy-little Grover decided to write a blog, what would he name it? Or if naturalist Charles Darwin had a blog, how would he entitle it? Or how about heavyweight champion Muhammad Ali? Or Scottish inventor Alexander Graham Bell? You decide! I think enough of us had enough fun with last month’s contest that it’s time for another one.

Rules

1. Choose someone fairly famous and completely dead (puppets, cartoon personalities, and characters from novels are all eligible). Someone with an unfamous name, but who did something famous, also counts.
2. Describe the person in one phrase (e.g. “who invented eraser-topped pencils”, or “first European in Tasmania”).
3. Give a humorous, fitting (or ironic) blog title.
4. Bonus: Give that person’s username.
5. If you supply a username, you’re an automatic winner! Provide me with a word, and I’ll use it in a limerick. New limericks go up on each date divisible by seven, and all limericks are kept on my “Limericks of the Turtle” page.

Judging

Like last time, I will seek out approximately two dozen non-blogging acquaintances to judge the entries. Judges will be asked to pick the entry that is funniest to them.

Prizes

• First prize: Again, like last time, I will write 500 words on the topic of the winner’s choice.
• Second prizes: See rules 4 and 5 above. Please provide your limerick word along with your entry.

Deadline

Saturday morning, April 26, at 07 00 Eastern Standard Time. Winner to be announced by Sunday evening.

I can hardly wait!