First, there were the original Olympics in Greece. After a medium-length commercial break (1500 years), there came the modern Olympics in 1896. Later, these became known as the Summer Olympics because someone started up the Winter Olympics. Eventually there were added the Special Olympics and the Para-Olympics. In the next step of the Games’s evolution, Turtle brings you…
The Somewhat Odd Olympics! Bring the torch, Jeannette, Isabella!
These are the Olympics in which everyone can participate; you don’t have to be either healthy or unhealthy in any way, although a slight tendency towards neuroses may give you that extra competitive edge to win, win, win. Let me know which event you’d like to sign up for!
1. Dishes Throwing. Last night, inspired by Emma Showalter’s classic Mennonite Community Cookbook, I threw together an apple crisp, a rhubarb upside-down cake, a little batch of pickled beets, and some potato salad. The crisp disappeared between last night’s snack and this morning’s breakfast; everything else is to go with the elk summer sausage for tonight’s supper.
- Objective: Throw together as many dishes as possible in one 3-hour period.
- Extra points for washing the dishes within that time.
2. Recycling. Different countries, even different regions, have their different methods of playing this sport. Our city recently changed from demanding different containers for papers and containers, to allowing us to lump them all together.
- Objective: Compile as many recyclable articles as you can before ridding your home of them.
- Extra points for carrying them all out in one armload.
- Ten points for each peanut butter jar you’ve washed out.
3. Sh:) t Put. There’s just enough weight in one loaded, vanilla-scented poopy bag to provide a beautiful, easy, underhand throw. As in the confusion between the European term “football” and the North American term “soccer” which distinguishes it from American football, Sh:) t Put has another name, “Basketbag”, most commonly heard in urban centres.
- Objective: Land the baggy in a standard-sized public trash barrel from as far back as possible.
- Extra points for picking up another dog’s sh:) t.
- Disqualified if the bag hits anyone on its trajectory.
4. Pantathlon. This ancient sport dates from the time Grecian men first started wearing trousers and owning cats.
- Objective: Pull on your trousers as quickly as possible, while your cat is playing Kill-the-Wildebeest on one pantleg.
- Points deducted for raising your voice or taking a swing at the cat.
5. One-Minute-Late Dash. No matter how hard I try, I can never get to work exactly on time. I’m always at least one minute late. Luckily, the other personnel and the owner are pretty laid back; my co-worker actually showed up about two hours late once, and all she received was a little ribbing from the owner.
- Objective: Arrive at work as late as possible without receiving any reprimands.
- Points deducted for not even faking a look of contrition.
- Disqualified if self-employed.
These are the sports that I can think of offhand. Remember, please comment on which one you’d like to enter, and if you can think of any more events, please add them. Let’s grow the Somewhat-Odd Olympics!