The 2008 Somewhat-Odd Olympics

The apple crisp finishes ahead of the rhubarb upside-down cake.

First, there were the original Olympics in Greece. After a medium-length commercial break (1500 years), there came the modern Olympics in 1896. Later, these became known as the Summer Olympics because someone started up the Winter Olympics. Eventually there were added the Special Olympics and the Para-Olympics. In the next step of the Games’s evolution, Turtle brings you…

The Somewhat Odd Olympics! Bring the torch, Jeannette, Isabella!

These are the Olympics in which everyone can participate; you don’t have to be either healthy or unhealthy in any way, although a slight tendency towards neuroses may give you that extra competitive edge to win, win, win. Let me know which event you’d like to sign up for!

1. Dishes Throwing. Last night, inspired by Emma Showalter’s classic Mennonite Community Cookbook, I threw together an apple crisp, a rhubarb upside-down cake, a little batch of pickled beets, and some potato salad. The crisp disappeared between last night’s snack and this morning’s breakfast; everything else is to go with the elk summer sausage for tonight’s supper.

  • Objective: Throw together as many dishes as possible in one 3-hour period.
  • Extra points for washing the dishes within that time.

2. Recycling. Different countries, even different regions, have their different methods of playing this sport. Our city recently changed from demanding different containers for papers and containers, to allowing us to lump them all together.

  • Objective: Compile as many recyclable articles as you can before ridding your home of them.
  • Extra points for carrying them all out in one armload.
  • Ten points for each peanut butter jar you’ve washed out.

The Canadian athlete stands a fair chance in the Women’s Recycling event.

3. Sh:) t Put. There’s just enough weight in one loaded, vanilla-scented poopy bag to provide a beautiful, easy, underhand throw. As in the confusion between the European term “football” and the North American term “soccer” which distinguishes it from American football, Sh:) t Put has another name, “Basketbag”, most commonly heard in urban centres.

  • Objective: Land the baggy in a standard-sized public trash barrel from as far back as possible.
  • Extra points for picking up another dog’s sh:) t.
  • Disqualified if the bag hits anyone on its trajectory.

4. Pantathlon. This ancient sport dates from the time Grecian men first started wearing trousers and owning cats.

  • Objective: Pull on your trousers as quickly as possible, while your cat is playing Kill-the-Wildebeest on one pantleg.
  • Points deducted for raising your voice or taking a swing at the cat.

5. One-Minute-Late Dash. No matter how hard I try, I can never get to work exactly on time. I’m always at least one minute late. Luckily, the other personnel and the owner are pretty laid back; my co-worker actually showed up about two hours late once, and all she received was a little ribbing from the owner.

  • Objective: Arrive at work as late as possible without receiving any reprimands.
  • Points deducted for not even faking a look of contrition.
  • Disqualified if self-employed.

These are the sports that I can think of offhand. Remember, please comment on which one you’d like to enter, and if you can think of any more events, please add them. Let’s grow the Somewhat-Odd Olympics!

6 Responses to The 2008 Somewhat-Odd Olympics

  1. eyegillian says:

    Sports? I’m still enjoying the opening ceremonies, dancing around my office while humming “Bring the torch, Jeannette, Isabella”.

    I’m more of a watcher than a doer — give me a berth in the “armchair olympics”!

  2. Mutual friend Jane says:

    I always knew I could be a contender in the Procrastination Event but always missed the team tryout.

  3. Gina says:

    I am definitely signing up for the One-Minute-Late Dash. I know I could win a gold medal in that. I enjoyed your creativity. I love the picture of your baby.

  4. PennyCat says:

    I personally would like to sign up for “The where the h— did I put it event” Each year Americans spend a tremendous amount of time looking for whatever, wherever. I would definitely be a “Gold” contender, although I would probably misplace it later.

  5. jamesviscosi says:

    What sort of medals are awarded in the Somewhat Odd Olympics? Are they edible?

  6. lavenderbay says:

    Hi, Eyegillian, hmm… Christmas carols… August… Put your feet up, I’ll be right back.

    Don’t feel bad, Mutual Friend Jane. Despite the wealth of talent, this event usually has few participants, and it took sixteen years to even get on the roster.

    Thanks for getting on the team, Gina! Cai just happened to be there, so I included him in the shot.

    Welcome to my comments section, PennyCat! With the Procrastination event and the Multiple Personalities one-person team sport, your Where-the-h—Did-I-Put-It event makes three new additions to the Somewhat Odd Olympics! I’m sorry in advance that you’ve lost your medal.

    You’ve got me there, James. Do you mean like espresso medals for speed races, salad medals for team sports, and Christmas fruitcake medals for weight lifting? Christmas… Hmm… be right back.

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